We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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