she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
