I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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