I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
