And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
