and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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