Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
