fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
last night I used snow as a chaser
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
