i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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