Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
