i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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