I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
