She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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