I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Nicole vs. Life
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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