shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
