i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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