he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
