I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
