Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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