Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
