i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
