I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
