Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
