Fuck appropriateness.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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