I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
