dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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