just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She needs sedatives and a leash
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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