I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
