That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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