alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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