Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
