thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
