when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
