Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
