I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
