found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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