So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
