Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Randomize
