I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
