Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
