My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
