When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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