he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
