I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
