remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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