If i could tip my vagina, i would.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
