I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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