I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
