I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
