I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
