quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
