Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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