Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Dignity is for republicans.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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