I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
