before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
A+ Viking dick
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